Dear Diva Rebecca,

My girlfriend and I had been dating for 18 months. It was a very platonic sort of relationship. She never told me once, in 18 months, how she felt about me. So I asked her if she wanted to end the relationship. I told her I would not get mad I just wanted to know. After a short pause she said, "let's end it". She said she is going to miss our friendship. I told her to buy a dog. Its been 5 months since we spoke . My question is who dumped who? I still have very strong feelings for her. Should I ever call her?

Sincerely,

Weirded Out,
Half Moon Bay, California

Dear Weirded Out,

Technically, she ended it with you. You may have initiated the conversation, but she is the one who took the initiative to make the final decision. All you did was give her the gun and the ammunition. She locked, loaded and shot, right through your heart I suppose.

If you are not looking to end a relationship, you probably shouldn't give the other person a way out, the way you did. Many people use breaking up or leaving as a scare tactic or threat when fighting. This is always the wrong way to go in any relationship. If you use the threat of leaving too often, eventually that person will just let you go, even if your threat was completely idle in nature. Never tell the person you are going to leave him or her just to get your way in a relationship dispute or when in anger. Idle threats end up pushing your loved one away. It is also not fair to threaten your loved one. This is a common mistake which people make all too often. This is also a mistake which most people learn from very quickly when it backfires.

In your case, I don't think you made a mistake. Your lover did not open up to you in 18 months. I must admit, it seems to me like you had a very boring relationship! I don't blame you for asking, you simply wanted to know where you stood in her heart. She never let you know if she cared for you after a long period of time and then ended it when you gave her the chance. It sounds to me like this relationship was going nowhere and she was just waiting for the right moment to end it. Most likely, she lacked the courage to end it months ago.

Because I don't know the details and I don't know your ex girlfriend personally, there is room for err. She may have ended it to save face because she thought you wanted to end it when you brought up the conversation. It is also possible that she has a hard time expressing feelings or emotions which is why she didn't let you in on her feelings. So, yes, it would be okay to call her. Let her know how you feel and ask her what you REALLY wanted to ask her in the first place, does she love you?

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca