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Dear Diva Rebecca,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. I love him very much. However, I am confused by a serious of events, or information I stumbled upon. He has spent a generous amount of time trying to locate his ex. This is a girl he dated many years ago, six to be exact. He hasn't had any contact with her in over six years. Friends have run into her here and there, but no sightings in the past 2-3 years. I've been told that he has been digging and asking around about where she is, etc. He has also been asking if anyone has her email. I can't ask him about it because I'm not supposed to know. I'm very confused. Why does he feel the need to contact her? He is very sweet to me and repeatedly tells me that I'm the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. What is the investigation about, more so, what if he finds her; is going to cheat on me? He never has cheated on me to my knowledge, maybe I'm missing something? I don't have any desire to contact any of my exes, I consider them closed doors. However my knowledge of his persistence on finding his ex, really makes me want to contact a recent ex, but I think it's more of a 'getting even' than true desire.
Although I love gossip and I am one that loves hearing that dirty laundry (as if this website did not portray this well enough), it is something that can be very harmful to the strongest of relationships. You say that someone has informed you that he has been trying to find out about his ex. I would think closely about this person who told you this tidbit of information. Is it a guy that would love to break you up so that he could be with you? Is it a guy that is jealous of your boyfriend and would do anything to harm his relationships just to see him hurt? Is it a woman who wants to break you up so that she can get with your man?
There are many people who use gossip as a way of undermining relationships because of their ulterior motives. I have come across many people like this. Sometimes, you would never know it. They can be very good actresses and actors. You might normally think they are the sweetest people in the world. Unbeknownst to you they have a dark and devilish side. There was a woman once who acted as if she was my best friend. The entire time she was getting close to me, she was also getting close to my ex. This woman was also married. Before I knew what was going on, she divorced her husband and began digging her little claws into my ex. She was his secretary of all things. Thankfully, her attempts to destroy our relationship only backfired and she was the one left alone without a husband, without a lover and with one less friend.
Most likely he heard his ex-girlfriend's name and became curious. This is very normal especially after a long period of no contact. He may have asked around about her once or twice just out of curiosity. Perhaps even this person that told you is the one that got him started on his curious streak. Although, I have to admit, it would bother me as well if I heard about it. You are completely normal to feel a little threatened by his inquisitive nature especially when he has not told you about it.
You will not be able to bottle up your feelings about this for long. A real relationship demands honesty on both sides. So if you feel upset about something, you need to let him know what is bothering you. I would have a sit down talk with him and very gently tell him that someone has told you that he has been searching for his ex. Let him know that you were told in confidence and because you are an honorable woman, you can not break that trust and divulge his/her name. He should be able to understand. Let him know that this is bothering you because you feel that his desire to find out about his ex is too strong and you feel that it is harmful to your relationship. You also felt hurt because he did not tell you about it. You will be leaving yourself vulnerable when you have this discussion because your feelings will be out there and open on the table. He could just turn around, get angry and smash your feelings to pieces. There is always that chance so be prepared.
The point is, you must get this off your chest and open up to him. That is the only way you will be able to feel better about the situation. If you do not, the worrying will cause you great anxiety causing even more damage to the relationship. Also, do not contact an ex out of spite. Never ever do anything in a relationship out of spite. It will only cause more problems down the road.
Not everyone will agree with me, everyone has their own opinion.|
What would your advice be?
Be respectful and courteous. Rude remarks and slander of any kind will be removed.