Is My Husband a Pedophile?

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    Dear Diva Rebecca,

    I am concerned about my husband's sexual appetite. It is not the frequency of his need which is alarming, but the nature of his fetishes. He is always having me pretend to be a younger girl, dressing me up in schoolgirl outfits and putting my hair in pigtails. The more I think about it, the more I wonder if he really is attracted to younger girls. Will he become a pedophile? Does he think about underage girls in a sexual manner and how young does he picture them? Is he my loyal and faithful husband, or is he really a future child molesting monster in disguise? I feel terrible just for having these disgusting thoughts. I don't want to think about him like this, but is this a warning sign?

    Sincerely,

    Worried,
    Davis, West Virginia


    Dear Worried,

    I was not sure if I should take this question on or not. It is a risky and controversial subject, and to be honest, it is not something I know much about except for what I watch on To Catch a Predator. But to answer your question directly, I seriously doubt it. Do you know how common this fantasy is?

    The truth of the matter is that I do not know your husband. I know nothing about him and on this particular issue I am not even obliged to speculate on the manner of his sexual preference. If you are this concerned about it, you should bring it up to him, as gently as can be done.

    I will say that many guys fantasize about girls wearing school girl uniforms, not that I am condoning it. It is a major theme in the pornographic industry, you see it everywhere. When you think about it, the symbolism of the uniform is a little sick and twisted. But I think, for the most part, it is only meant to represent youth in a broad sense and not necessarily the underage kind. Young women are sexy.

    I don't know how long you have been married, but you might be experienced some long term commitment fears. After a few years of marriage, spouses can begin to doubt each other in a variety of ways, especially morally. It becomes scary because you realize that you are attached to this person for possibly the rest of your life. And this is the person whom you will rely and depend on for many years and that thought can be terrifying. You wonder if you can really trust this person. Terrifying, but normal. With that fear comes worry, and with that worry comes the need to make sure.

    I referenced my Arousal Book, The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies by Dr. Michael Bader. It contained a case study of a man who was addicted to images of youthful girls. In this study, the man loved his wife but felt sexually repressed by her because of his emotional connection to her. His fantasies about younger, more youthful girls, gave him control over the sexual situation and was more appealing to him. He had also specified that he would never act on his impulse, his fantasies were strictly for his own private pleasure. You might want to read it.

    In any case, you are not feeling comfortable with the situation. It is bothering you and you are concerned about it. The absolute best thing you can do is to be honest and tell him. Let him know what is bothering you and why. And the next time you make whoopee, do it your way and toss the school girl outfit. You have the right to be happy with sex just as he does. And if the problem persists and or feel more and more uncomfortable, visit a sex therapist together, or a couples therapist. At the very least you should feel completely comfortable with your spouse, a right we should all have.

    Finally, if it at all comes out, even in the smallest degree, that he thinks about children in a sexual way...get the hell out of there.

    Sincerely,

    Diva Rebecca

    Not everyone will agree with me, everyone has their own opinion.
    What would your advice be?
    Be respectful and courteous. Rude remarks and slander of any kind will be removed.

    Comments..(Not Questions)

    Lanalu
    11 Apr 2008, 11:27
    Well, in my case, my husband liked to look at teenagers...girls ages 14-18. He enjoyed pornography that featured them (or very young looking girls). I don't think that it's okay to allow that kind of behavior to go on nomatter what the circumsance is or if they say they will "never" act on it because the truth is, they have already got their minds set on it, that is obviously what they want sexually. It's kind of stupid to reason that out as saying it is for his own private pleasure, because the wife is involved too and it's a big concern to be in a relationship like that, it hurts and is shameful.
    Marie
    12 Nov 2007, 09:28
    I think the key here is how you feel about the interactions. If he is making you uncomfortable or there's something about the situation that just doesn't feel right, than I would strongly suggest seeking counseling. <a href="http://www.sassybean.com>Sassy Bean</a>
    Safe consensual adult play
    08 Nov 2007, 17:38
    Asking a grown woman to act like a foolish young Lolita means mostly nothing. What husband doesn't want his wife to play with him sexually? The lady asking for advice might find that her husband would enjoy her playing the Dominatrix, nurse, or the school teacher? Perhaps when the wife plays the Lolita, she does a great sexual performance, whether she knows it or not. Role playing with one's spouse is one way to get the sex one of you want. Many husbands openly admit that they want a Mother Theresa to raise the kids and a real whore in the bedroom. Mothers can do both, if they want, but must be very cautious not to be Mother Theresa in the bedroom and a real whore with the children. Many men really don't want a real whore ever. Many of us are die hard monogamous. However, acting like an experienced sex professional putting on a performance is great fun, and there is always the quid pro quo paybacks. The school girl role does nothing for me and obviously not for the advice seeker. The advice seeker might want to experiment with other roles including for her husband. The other day I told my wife that I was fantasizing that she was Barbie Benton. She told me, "That's OK; I was fantasizing that you were a man." That's what I found most disturbing with the advice seeker. There seems to be an extreme lack of humor with her husband and that might mean that one of them might not be suitable for the other. Clearly, this guy wants her to play the submissive and she seems a good sport. She's tried this particular submissive role plenty and it seems to be a no go for her. However, she is adventurous and will try roles. My advice for her would be to play with other roles and if he has an obsession with this one which upsets her, she should just accept the fact that they might be incompatible...and not take it personally. We are all very selfish in one way or another and we must find compatible selfishnesses.
    Scot McKay
    07 Nov 2007, 04:34
    Well, as a completely normal guy with some insight into the subject I felt compelled to respond.

    First, let's not brand this guy a "sicko" who is going to be diddling three year olds just yet.

    Plenty of women have sexual fantasies also.

    It's important to understand that just because someone else's fantasies are different than our own doesn't *necessarily* mean they're evil or potentially damaging.

    I agree first of all that having a discussion on the matter may be all that's necessary.

    What you're likely to find, Davis, if your husband is honest with you is something perfectly reasonable. It goes something like this:

    1) Guys are especially sexually charged early on in life, meaning jr. high and (particularly) high school.

    2) At that time they are surrounded on a daily basis by LOTS of girls who are their contemporaries in age...many of whom are sexually irresistible to them. (Importantly, note that for a 14 year old boy to be wildly attracted to 14 year old girls is *not* pedophilia.)

    3) Ironically, most boys that age are unable to fulfill upon their fantasies. Yet, all they can think about is doing so.

    4) This, of course, makes the concept of actually fulfilling upon those fantasies all the more other-worldly and tantalizing.

    5) Dressing you up like a school girl brings back those sexually-powerful emotions, and provides a way of FINALLY making good on them.

    6) AND...nowadays women his own age are STILL the ones who tantalize him. Back when he was 14 women his mom's age were probably pretty gross to him. Today, the opposite is true, no? God has this friendly way of making sure we are always attracted to women our own age, it seems.


    So I assure you...99.9% sure he's a perfectly "normal", red-blooded guy.

    You can even run by reasoning by him word for word if you'd like. See if it makes sense to him.

    Cheers,

    Scot McKay
    X & Y Communications

    P.S. Emily and I LOVE Rebecca...you gals are in the right place.
    Lilly
    04 Nov 2007, 11:24
    wow that soundz kinda creepy..you should have seen the show "the steve wilkos show" maan its the saddest show ever...on Friday its abt the guy who was attractive to you gurlz well as I can say "KIDS" who are only 3 years OLD !!!! Sick dude!! Its terrible sad as hell....but if you see you're man doing something like that..then yeah he's sick *sorrie*
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