Is My Husband a Pedophile?

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I am concerned about my husband's sexual appetite. It is not the frequency of his need which is alarming, but the nature of his fetishes. He is always having me pretend to be a younger girl, dressing me up in schoolgirl outfits and putting my hair in pigtails. The more I think about it, the more I wonder if he really is attracted to younger girls. Will he become a pedophile? Does he think about underage girls in a sexual manner and how young does he picture them? Is he my loyal and faithful husband, or is he really a future child molesting monster in disguise? I feel terrible just for having these disgusting thoughts. I don't want to think about him like this, but is this a warning sign?

Sincerely,

Worried,
Davis, West Virginia

Dear Worried,

I was not sure if I should take this question on or not. It is a risky and controversial subject, and to be honest, it is not something I know much about except for what I watch on To Catch a Predator. But to answer your question directly, I seriously doubt it. Do you know how common this fantasy is?

The truth of the matter is that I do not know your husband. I know nothing about him and on this particular issue I am not even obliged to speculate on the manner of his sexual preference. If you are this concerned about it, you should bring it up to him, as gently as can be done.

I will say that many guys fantasize about girls wearing school girl uniforms, not that I am condoning it. It is a major theme in the pornographic industry, you see it everywhere. When you think about it, the symbolism of the uniform is a little sick and twisted. But I think, for the most part, it is only meant to represent youth in a broad sense and not necessarily the underage kind. Young women are sexy.

I don't know how long you have been married, but you might be experienced some long term commitment fears. After a few years of marriage, spouses can begin to doubt each other in a variety of ways, especially morally. It becomes scary because you realize that you are attached to this person for possibly the rest of your life. And this is the person whom you will rely and depend on for many years and that thought can be terrifying. You wonder if you can really trust this person. Terrifying, but normal. With that fear comes worry, and with that worry comes the need to make sure.

I referenced my Arousal Book, The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies by Dr. Michael Bader. It contained a case study of a man who was addicted to images of youthful girls. In this study, the man loved his wife but felt sexually repressed by her because of his emotional connection to her. His fantasies about younger, more youthful girls, gave him control over the sexual situation and was more appealing to him. He had also specified that he would never act on his impulse, his fantasies were strictly for his own private pleasure. You might want to read it.

In any case, you are not feeling comfortable with the situation. It is bothering you and you are concerned about it. The absolute best thing you can do is to be honest and tell him. Let him know what is bothering you and why. And the next time you make whoopee, do it your way and toss the school girl outfit. You have the right to be happy with sex just as he does. And if the problem persists and or feel more and more uncomfortable, visit a sex therapist together, or a couples therapist. At the very least you should feel completely comfortable with your spouse, a right we should all have.

Finally, if it at all comes out, even in the smallest degree, that he thinks about children in a sexual way...get the hell out of there.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca