Dear Diva Rebecca,

My boyfriend and I have been together off and on for 14 months now. He has two kids from a past relationship. I also have one of my own. However, my ex isn't involved with my son and my boyfriend's ex is involved. I feel like his ex uses his kids against him. He can't see them unless he is kissing her ass and what not. I feel like maybe he still has feelings for her, but won't admit it. I love this guy and I don't want to lose him. I believe that he shouldn't be talking to his ex unless it's about the kids. I don't think that he should hang out with her, and if he does then I should be around. But, of course he will not let us be around each other at all because of past problems. We fight constantly about him talking to her. He says he will not give up his friendship with his ex for me, because he feels like it is best for his kids if they are friends. I get so jealous! There are times that I just hear her name and I want to scream! His kids come first and I completely understand that. Do you think I am selfish for feeling like he should have no contact with her unless about the kids? His ex saw him in the mall a few months back and he was looking at wedding rings. I guess he was going to propose to me before we had problems. But he didn't because she got in the way. She saw that he was looking at rings, and his friend told her about the whole proposal so she started talking to my boyfriend more and being really nice to him. Then the more she was nice to him, the bitchier I became, which caused him become distant with me. I don't know what to do.

Sincerely,

The Jealous Bitch
Gainesville, Florida

Dear Jealous Bitch,

Well, you have two problems here. The first is the fact that no matter what, he is going to have to have a relationship with this ex for the sake of his children. He does not want to be nagged about this. He must do it for his children and try and maintain a good and happy relationship for the children. The children need this so you need to deal with it.

Second, he does not seem to be on the same wavelength as you, at the moment. This can be changed. It bothers you that he spends time with his ex, converses with her and is friendly with her. He knows that it bothers you, yet he is not factoring your feelings into this relationship. If he really wanted to make this relationship with you work, he would be doing everything in his power to help put your feelings at ease and make you feel better about this whole scenario.

The fact that you have been getting jealous over the ex has probably pushed him away a bit. You have to understand the concept of negative attention versus positive attention. You need to start giving him more positive attention. Positive attention would be telling him how good he looks, how sexy he is, what a great Dad he is and how proud you are of him. Like his ex is doing, she is being sweet to him. Positive attention makes a person feel good about himself and he will want to stay around the person making him feel this way. Refrain from giving him any negative attention, which is what you have been giving him. Negative attention would be getting jealous over the ex, getting angry about him spending time with the ex, nagging, crying, asking him why he is doing this to you and telling him how depressed you are. Things like that. Negative attention makes a person feel bad about himself and he will want to stay far away from the person making him feel this way.

So you have fallen into the common trap. Here comes the ex being all sweet and giving him that positive attention. It drives you crazy and forces you to give him negative attention, almost pushing him into her arms. It is hard to realize you are even doing it, it is not your fault. So you must step back and realize what is going on. Try to flip the situation and you give that positive attention to him. Once you start doing this, things will start to get better, I promise. Eventually, when he starts to feel better about the relationship, he will also start treating you better (with regards to the ex).

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca