Dear Diva Rebecca,

I am separated from my husband and I miss him very much. He refuses to talk to me about getting back together until our divorce is final. He told me he doesn't want to talk about it while things are pending. He told me after the divorce we can talk and that couples get back together and get remarried all the time. I think he is getting the cart before the horse. What do you think?

Sincerely,

Soon to be Divorcee
Springdale, AZ

Dear Soon to be Divorcee,

I hate to say it but it sounds to me like he is just using this as an excuse to pacify you during the divorce proceedings. If this is the case, then he is too cowardly to admit that he wants a divorce and that is final. He is trying to keep you nice and happy with a lie to ensure that the divorce moves smoothly. Maybe he is afraid that you will try and get more out of the divorce than he wants. So, by being nice and giving you hope, he gets his divorce and everything else that he wants.

Of course, this is my initial impression. I don't know him at all. He could be a very nice man and he could be saying these things just to be nice and protect your heart. He could also be telling the truth.

In any case, I would protect myself if I were you. Stop telling him that you want to get back together and finish the divorce as if you would never get back together. Fight for what is yours and don't let him take advantage of you. Get the house, the car and the kids. I am serious. Be aggressive.

You need to stop feeding him attention and pull back the way he has pulled back. When you constantly tell him how much you love and miss him and want him back, or if you cry and beg, it will only work to push him away further. You need to pull back yourself and give him a dose of his own medicine. I always tell people to start dating right away. This is for many reasons. It is therapeutic for you and it will hit him like a thunderbolt. However, in this case it is difficult. If you started dating now, it could damage the outcome of the divorce proceedings for you (if you are trying to get anything) because you are still married at this point; and dating while married - even separated - is a big no-no to a judge. Therefore, in this case I would say no to dating just yet.

But I WOULD bring the issue up to him. Be very sweet but very serious. Say something like, "Would you mind if I started dating after the divorce is finalized? It is not to hurt you, but I don't want to be alone. And I have had some interesting proposals". This would be innocent enough. You are allowed to continue your life and try to be happy; he is the one divorcing you. Remain happy and act even excited about the thought of dating. He will be blown over, even if he doesn't immediately act like it.

I would say to stop trying to get him back and start actively beginning a new life. Think about how exciting dating will be again. You get to be single again! Even though this is not what you want right now, those feelings will change. Once you start training your mind to think like this, let it show. Let it show to HIM. Let him know how happy and excited you are. This will completely tangle him up and confuse him. You need to start doing this now.

Chances are he will decide that you being with other people and moving on is NOT what he wants.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca