i don't love him anymore

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I have been dating my now husband for about 4 and a half years. He is a good man, handsome, intelligent, he is a family man and the best father to our 2 year old daughter that I can ask for. He's even very attentive and romantic. He's not perfect, he has flaws, but for the most part, he's great. We just got married on Valentine's day. My problem is, I'm not in love with him. I never really have been. He's always been like a good friend that I lived with and had sex with. Before I got pregnant, I tried to passively break it off, but to no avail. I'm the type of person who can't break a heart, so I tried to get him to break it off with me (a coward). But he was just so crazy about me and told his family that I was definitely "the one". After I got pregnant, I got irritable, and cried and begged him to leave me alone. He refused to leave his child and assumed that I was just moody because of the pregnancy. I started to tell myself that maybe it wasn't' so bad; he was a good man, good father, he had a good job, he took care of his family...but it always ate at me that I just wasn't in love. At this point, I'm with him because I think it's best for our daughter. I don't mean to sound ungrateful for this wonderful man, but I can't make myself fall in love. He deserves real love. I've already cheated on him, with my married best friend (who was also my first love), who I fell in love with all over again and am STILL in love with & even got pregnant by (I know, I know), but miscarried a month before our wedding...and he STILL married me! I don't know what to do. I'm at my wits end. He doesn't deserve the things I put him through. I just want to be happy and I want him to be happy.

Sincerely,

No Love,
Towson, Maryland

Dear No Love,

There is no one else who can do the dirty deed but you. No one is going to do it for you and it won't happen on its own.

First of all you are young. You got together with this guy when you were young and you just are not ready for a committed relationship. I wasn't ready until I hit 30. I also was nearly trapped into a wedding. I was not sure why I was feeling this way. I felt like I could not get married. I loved him but I was not in love with him and I was terribly worried about hurting him because I had been with him off and on for 8 years. I notoriously left him at the alter. Yes, at the alter. Well that was some drama for you. But thank God I did it. I would have never been happy. The guy was devastated and even had to go to therapy for a while. But he got over it and he is now getting married in a month to one of my very good friends. I am very happy for them. And I got to get out there, date and be happy. I am only now ready for a relationship and it happened when I met the right and perfect guy. The guy who gives me everything I want and need.

You are not going to be happy until you break it off. You need to do this for yourself. The longer you wait, the more it will end up hurting. The more he will suffer and the worse you will feel. I know it is hard to hurt someone especially when you care so much about them. But you cannot continue to suffer for the rest of your life just to appease and humor someone else. You deserve to be happy just as he does, like you said.

The only way you are going to be able to break it off with this man is by doing it the honest way. No more tricks and don't try to get him to break up with you. Tell him that you need some space and you want to move out. You have to do it. He may beg and plead but don't give in. Be sweet and gentle because he will be hurt. Make plans to move out and let him feel comfortable with it. Tell him it may only be for a little while. Tell him you need your space because you are not happy in the relationship. If he asks why, let him know that you do not have the same feelings anymore. If he asks you if you want to date other people, let him know that this is not your agenda. Besides, he does not need to know this, you are ending it with him and it is none of his business if you do want to date. There is no reason to hurt him anymore than he may be hurting. After you move out, file for divorce. You want to do this after you move out for your own safety. There are too many instances of men becoming abusive when faced with rejection and divorce papers.

Once you file for divorce you will feel an enormous weight lifted off your shoulders. Everything will be out in the open and you will be free to pursue your separation. But take my advice on one thing, don't date for a while. First of all, you are going to need this time to reconnect with your family and friends and you also need to re identify with yourself. You also do not want to hurt your chances in your divorce in case things turn ugly.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca