Dear Diva Rebecca,

I am dating this wonderful woman and I am convinced she is the one. I am finally ready for that committed relationship and so is she. She has had some poor relationships in the past and I know she has been hurt a while ago. But it seems to me that she became the heart breaker after that. She still has men chasing her, even though we are together, but she shuns them. She has no problem letting everyone know that I am her man. It makes me feel great. She is beautiful, intelligent, happy and funny. I have a hard time believing that she picked me. The only problem is that I am having a hard time dealing with her lack of emotions. She can be so cold! Not cold in a bad way, she just refuses to become emotional with me. I have tried to bring it up but she avoids the conversation. Any thoughts?

Sincerely,

Tenderness Deprived,
Wailuku, Hawaii

Dear Tenderness Deprived,

Well, that makes sense, doesn't it? Everyone has been hurt in a relationship, that is, everyone old enough to have been in a dating scene. Many people, although not all, develop a sort of emotional barrier after being hurt once or twice in a relationship. That wall becomes their defense. If they never become emotionally connected to someone, they will never get hurt like that again. It sounds to me like she has developed this emotional barrier.

Strong, independent and intelligent women develop this barrier. I say intelligent because they learn how to protect themselves unlike the vast amount of weepy women out there who get so caught up in every single affair and end up crying their little eyes out at each tiny rejection. This barrier is actually attractive to most men. This is the fun part. When the emotional barrier goes up, this woman will make less threatening advances on men. She will not seek an immediate relationship with anyone and she will not act pushy or clingy with any one suitor. The men find this attractive. When a woman is too clingy right away, it pushes most men away. The woman with an emotional barrier seems less threatening and can even look like a challenge to some men. The woman who protects herself from men ends up being chased by men. Funny how that works. (This goes for men as well).

She has most likely been pursued by other men and they are still pursuing her. But the person a woman with that barrier will choose is someone she trusts. And it is rare that you can find someone you trust these days. For some reason or another, she feels like she can trust you. If not, she wouldn't even talk about a commitment or a relationship with you. She is digging you. You lucky dog! You have found one of the good ones!

Now what you need to do is to keep her level of trust withing you rising. Let her know how much you love and her and let her know that you will never deliberately hurt her and you will never leave her. After a while, this emotional wall WILL break down. But you are going to have to wait because it is going to take a long time. It could even take up to a year or more. But it will happen. Trust brings that wall down. What you cannot do is to try and force it. She is avoiding the conversation because it makes her feel uncomfortable and this is a touchy subject for her. She is not going to take down that wall just because you insist. No, that will actually just cause her to be on the defense and the wall will get stronger. This is something which will have to come down gradually and naturally on its own. No forcing.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca