Dear Diva Rebecca,

I will try and make this concise. I was terribly hurt when my ex broke up with me a year ago. But after the emotional roller coaster, I realized it was the best thing. He treated me like crap. But my ex changed his mind and he began to pursue me again, relentlessly. He has been a wreck ever since. And I began to date his best friend. He still has no idea. I have been seeing his best friend for almost a year now but we agreed not to tell anyone so that it would not get back to my ex. Not until he got over it. But he hasn’t moved on. He tells my boyfriend all of the time how much he screwed up and how much he misses me. His best friend and I are in love and it has been so long, we want to make it public. And even though my ex really hurt me, I feel so terrible about it because this is his best friend. Do you know what I mean? Should we wait longer or just tell him?

Sincerely,

The BFF Bandit,
Aberdeen, WA

Dear BFF Bandit,

Unfortunately, there is no easy answer to your dilemma and no easy way out. I don’t disagree with what you did….regarding how you hid your relationship from your ex. It tells me that you were dating this guy for legitimate reasons and not to deliberately try to make your ex jealous. Although you should really stay away from friends and family members of your ex, sometimes you just can’t help who you fall in love with.

And why bother telling him at first? He hurt you, and then you healed and found love. It was none of his business. Besides, you had no idea if you and your new beaux would last. There is no way of telling in the beginning of a relationship. And you were waiting for him to get over you and move on. When he found someone else, you would be able to be more open about your relationship with his best friend. How could you have known that your ex would have regretted his decision for this long? You had no idea that his mourning period would be so severely extended. So, I don’t blame you for hiding your relationship and just riding it out until the right time presented itself.

Unfortunately, it hasn’t happened. So, I think the best thing to do is to stop waiting and let your best friend tell him now. You should stay out of it. Although he is your ex, you are long gone from his life and what you do is STILL none of his business. But since the friend still has a relationship with him, he should be the one to talk to your ex. It is going to sting.

But it is better to do it now than to wait any longer. Your ex may still feel the same way about you for another year, and if you kept it hidden from him for another year, it would hurt that much more. The longer you wait, the more it will hurt him.

I don’t envy the position that your boyfriend is in. He is the one stuck between a rock and a hard place. He stands a great chance of losing his best friend. This is probably weighing heavily on your mind. Most likely, your ex will sever ties with his friend for a while. He will be angry and upset and it will last for a long time. You just have to leave it up to your boyfriend to try and soothe things over. Their friendship might be over for good, but it could be fixed down the road. You never know.

The three of you won’t be having any dinner parties together anytime soon. But I really hope your ex will not make the same mistake twice. He already lost you. Maybe he will learn from his mistake and not be so quick to lose his best friend by discarding him as soon as he learns the truth.

I wish I could give you more concrete advice on what to do or say to make it easier on your ex, but as I said earlier, there is no easy way out of this situation. Good Luck.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca