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 Subscribe in a readerAttracte And Seduce Women Should I Divorce? Get Your Ex Back Second Wives Club How To Be Irresistible |
Dear Diva Rebecca,
Comments..(Not Questions)
pyewacket 24 Jan 2008, 13:18
Just to give you some encouragement - I moved in with my boyfriend just
over a month ago. He's allergic, and I have two spoiled Siamese. The steps
- no cats in the bedroom, ever. The bed already had an allergy cover (I
have dust allergies). I washed the blankets and sheet in hot water before
bringing them into the new "clean" bedroom. Slipcovers on the furniture to
maximize the ability to wash. No rugs or carpets (I don't have them
anyway, because of the dust allergies). Two HEPA filters, one in the
bedroom, one in the living room. A HEPA vacuum cleaner. Anti-allergy wipes
for the cats. Enzyme spray for the curtains/couch etc (supposedly it helps
to break down the dander - don't know, can't hurt). Results? So far only
one time has he had any allergic reaction, and that was because we let the
vacuuming go too long (piles of moving boxes can make cleaning hard).
MedFreak 19 Jan 2008, 23:20
MeatBall Lover,
Try to come to a compromise that allows them both to get along.(Meatball & Your Fiance') Medicine has grown so much through the years, and there are medications for allergies that can allow him to tolerate MeatBall. Just dont let the cat sleep in the bed with the two of you, or allown MeatBall on the furniture or other places your fiance' may sit/use on a daily basis. Ask your fiance' to meet you half way on the deal. If he cant compromise its your desicion on whether your life will be more fullfilling with MeatBall or your lover.
Bryts 17 Jan 2008, 10:44
I have to side with the husband on this. Allergies are a horrible thing to
live with. Cat allergies "can" be downright crippling (swelling of eyes,
rashes). It all depends on the severity of course.
This will not be the only thing these two will have to work out in their lives. If you love him, give up the cat. Marriage is about becoming one, and your spouse should always be number one (or two if you believe in god). Good luck, and best wishes.
iolanthe 15 Jan 2008, 09:10
Meatball Lover, I'm glad you and the b/f have decided to try Life with
Meatball. The cleaning is a great idea.
Has your b/f tried the new inhaled steroids? They place a tiny tiny dose of steroids right on the cells in the mucus membranes (called "mast cells") where allergic reactions start. Because it's such a tiny dose, it doesn't cause the bad side effects of larger doses of steroids. In some folks' cases (mine and my husband's) it has almost "cured" the allergies (meaning, even if we forget to take the little "snort" of steroids every day ... or, sometimes, for weeks at a time ... we no longer have allergy attacks. But that was after a few years of faithful use.) It's the difference between two allergy attacks a week, and two a year, if that. (My husband hollers from the other corner of the room that, if he ever learned not to touch his eyes after petting the cat, he wouldn't have *any* allergy attacks any more.) Ask your b/f's doctor. Very much worth it. As for the "relationship" thing: I'm heartened to see that your Intended is giving Meatball a chance. That speaks *FAR* better of him than his initial ultimatum does. I strongly agree with other posters that "romantic love" is a much shakier basis for a life-long relationship than ... well ... just about anything else I can think of! "Romantic love" generally lasts between two and four years. As for "a cat lives seven years; a partner is for a life time", well ... look at the divorce statistics some time. Look at the romantic histories of the people around you. Please realize that there's still more than a 50/50 chance that a pet will be in a young woman's life longer than her current Heartthrob will be. Yes, love exists. Deep and abiding love exists, and can exist for decades and decades. But it turns out not to be based on that "over the moon" feeling. Not at all. It is based on mutual respect and empathy and shared values, and compromises that work for *everybody*, not just one person. Good luck to all three of you.
Lou 13 Jan 2008, 03:16
Hi,
I agree with Diva regarding choosing human companionship over a pet, and the one month trial period, even though it's quite a short time, it's a long time for your fiance to have to endure his allergies. What I don't know is what has he done to prevent the allergies? What compromises has he made in respect to his demands? This may be something you can answer to help ease our minds about his "ultimatum". Also, what is your fiance doing to keep you happy? I own two cats, both from shelters, one actually purchased for the older one to keep him company when I was spending most of my time at my boyfriends house! I have dated guys who have loathed, been allergic to, been indifferent or loved my cats, and the guys that I have had the most in common with are the ones that are affectionate with my cats. I know it sounds silly but you love your cat and Meatball is a part of you and your life and maybe you're a cat person and should find someone with a similar interest in cats.. seriously. I'd hold on to kitty for a while, do what Diva has suggested and see if he goes for it. In the meantime, take a big look at the situation and make sure that this is the only sacrifice you'll be making for a while! Lou
Leslie 11 Jan 2008, 07:34
Sorry I have to go on, what you need to understand is that animals are not
things that you decide to put somewhere or other, as I said i's your
responsibility and you along with your boyfriend must find a solution that
suits everyone (including the cat)
If your boyfriend gives you an ultimatum, regarding anything, not just Meatball, it only means he DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS, PRIORITIES AND DESIRES AT ALL If your cat wassn't an issue before, it shouldn't be now, CONSIDER CHANGING THE GUY, not for PETA sake, but for your own, and FIND A GUY WHO REALLLY CARES ABOUT YOUR OPINIONS
Leslie 11 Jan 2008, 07:27
Sorry to say this, but your boyfriend is a very SELFISH bastard!! He knew
all along that you had Meatball (great name by the way) and that you truly
love him and consider him more than a pet, and now he demands the little
one to disappear?? That shows absolutely NO consideration to your feelings
or what is important to you
DON'T FOOL YOURSELF, THIS GUY IS TRYING TO CONTROL YOU! that is MEAN!! Animals have feelings, you know? and this cat is YOUR responsibility,
Jel 11 Jan 2008, 05:23
Hi, I have to admit I do not know a lot about cat allergies, except to say
that my sister in law is highly allergic, yet they own a cat and manage the
allergy side of things quite well.
The boyfriend's ultimatum has me a little worried, I think if I were in this lady's shoes I would be worried, however that is probably my ghosts from the past coming to haunt me. Why is it that he never mentioned the allergy until they were engaged and planning to live together? Perhaps I missed something when I was reading previous responses. I have a cat and a dog, and I would have a hard time dealing with this type of situation, especially an ultimatum such as this one. Compromise, as others have said in this situation is key here, and if a couple cannot compromise and consider each others feelings and position, then the relationship really is not going to be a very healthy one. In the last message Lero wrote about the shedding cycle, and giving it more time. I also agree with the point about the cats age. I think that Meatball's owner said he was seven, which means he will only be around for another ten or so years, whereas the partner will be there for life. I also think a month is not long enough to see if the allergy can be managed. I wish this lady the best and I hope it all works out for her, Meatball and her fiance. Jel
Diva Rebecca 10 Jan 2008, 10:21
Glad to see so many varying opinions but let's refrain from making jabs,
shall we? Everyone has a right to their opinions. I think Margaret was
merely trying to make a stand for the boyfriend. But Cat and Dog Lover
makes a salient point coming from a mature and relationship-savvy
standpoint: That the best relationships last the longest when the two
people have important issues, such as wanting to have a cat, in common. And
for the record...I do own a cat. He is my furball of love.
dog and cat lover 10 Jan 2008, 09:14
Margaret, you should read more sympathetically. I said that there was no
such thing as a "love of one's life"; I did not say that there was no such
thing as a good relationship or that relationships weren't worthwhile. Yes,
I am older - and as a result of several good and bad relationships, I have
concluded that the romantic glow is not strong enough a foundation for a
good relationship. And the whole discourse of the "love of one's life" is a
distortion produced by that romantic glow. Frankly, if one can love one
person well, chances are excellent that one can love others well too. Hence
my rejection of the whole "soulmate" rhetoric, which I find extremely
unrealistic and limiting - something indulged in by teenagers and women in
their early twenties, but eschewed by older women - including happily
married older women. Compatibility and friendship are the most important
things. And for many of us, loving and having pets are primary examples of
compatibility.
Second, as for priorities: one should make compromises in relationships, of course; but I think a lot of the women who have responded to Meatball Lover see giving up a pet a more than a compromise. And compromise is often not gender-neutral. I've watched a lot of women give up a lot of stuff for men over the years, and as Iolanthe points out, they almost always end up regretting it. If one really loves one's pets, giving them up is not a compromise - it's a huge sacrifice. Maybe this whole issue just determines who really loves their pets and who doesn't. Finally, your ad hominem attack is insulting. Just because someone says something that you don't agree with does not mean that she is jaded or cynical. And I don't understand the entire agenda thing - I, like many others here, have an agenda (i.e., an opinion), but so do you obviously.
Meatball Lover 10 Jan 2008, 08:54
THANK YOU Margaret! I was sort of aghast at the people saying how
unimportant my boyfriend is. And how they humped all over me when I was
simply describing a very happy moment in my life. I have been with Max for
two years and have been through his four seasons. He is not controlling,
he just gets ill around cats and it stinks. But I know what the diva said
was right. I showed Max this column. Maybe I shouldn't have, he was so
upset. He laughed, but I knew he was hurt when he read people accusing him
of being controlling when they didn't even know him, and when people said
to keep the cat and get rid of him. It was nonsense and completely
illogical. So.....he are going to try it with Meatball for TWO months. We
are actually getting a new place, going to have it professionally cleaned
before we move in, we are looking at two air purifiers and a number of
other arrangements. So for now the problem is solved. Still, I am making
arrangements ahead of time in case it goes bad and thankfully, a co-worker
has promised to look after him. She knows the situation! SO, thanks Diva.
Things are looking up.
Margaret 10 Jan 2008, 08:20
Hi Emma. I am quite surprised to read a fair number of women belittling
your relationship with your finace. It is very sad and I am sorry if you
have had to read it. My husband is an MD in family medicine and we have a
clinic in a very small town. I am familiar with people having severe
allergies. The problem with allergies is that they are prone to worsening
over time and they can lead to other problems, even immune issues. Your
fiance probably has other allergies but his reactions are exacerbated by
the cat. But what the Diva said was spot-on. See if you can persuade your
fiance to deal with Meatball for a few months, but find a good home if it
doesn't work out. One woman below said there is no such thing as the love
of your life while another indicated that your relationship will "blow
over". Dear, don't let these jaded women hurt you with such poorly chosen
sentiments. There is always a chance that a relationship will not work
out, but that doesn't mean that you can not try. And if living with him
means that you may not be able to have a cat, that also should not mean
that you can not have a happy life with him. I am afraid that some women
here have agendas, have been hurt one too many times and their reality is a
bit off and finally, their priorities are a bit off as well. We could read
that your description of how happy you were when he proposed
(congratulations!) was just a description of your happiness at that time
and not a way to relate to your entire two year courtship. These women are
just twisting words around to fit their argument, is all. Again,
congratulations and best of luck! I do hope things work out with Meatball.
Iolanthe 10 Jan 2008, 07:48
I was asking around yesterday among my friends. Turns out I know six
people (men and women) who have done what you're contemplating: given an
established loving pet away because the lover was moving in and didn't want
the pet in the house, for whatever reason.
All six said they regretted it later, and some of them regretted it sooner! Five years from now, are you going to look back and say, "Wow. I sure did the right thing!"? According to the experiences of others, chances are that you will not. 50% of marriages fail; 90% of non-matrimonial "romantic" relationships, including live-ins, including engagements, fail within a few years. ML, if you proceed with this, if you're so over-the-moon over this guy that the chance to wake up next to him is actually the most important defining experience of your entire life, capable of making you literally "cry for hours with happiness", then *please* be sure to give Meatball to someone you know well, who will love him, and who might be willing to give him back to you after this relationship blows over.
dog and cat lover 09 Jan 2008, 15:55
Meatball lover:
At this point you probably don't want to hear this, but like most of the women who have responded to you (on this page as well as on newsgroups), I have had several long-term relationships with men who I was convinced were "the love of my life." Now that I am older I realize that there is no such thing. There are good relationships and bad relationships, but getting married requires more serious, and sober, thought than crying with happiness for hours. First of all, I think the two of you should visit a doctor to discuss his allergies and your options. Second of all, realize that your fiance's allergies will dictate your lifestyle for the rest of your (married) life. As long as you are with this man, you will not be able to have cats - unless a doctor comes up with some sort of treatment. Compatibility and friendship are more important to the long-term health of a marriage than the romantic glow you seem to be feeling.
jorja 09 Jan 2008, 07:20
When a problem of this nature requires an ultimatum,just remember,if there
are tires or testicles involved,there will always be the same problem.
Anne 08 Jan 2008, 17:54
Emma,
Has Max spoken to an allergist about the problem? He really should be tested to see what exactly is triggering the hives, etc. There may be options. Meanwhile, you should ask friends and relatives that you know what be good with your cat whether they would consider giving Meatball a good home. You need to know that he is doing well or it will drive you crazy. My four foster kittens were adopted this weekend. They were only with me for three months, but I keep wondering how they are doing in their new homes. I cannot imagine having to give up the cats that I have had for years.
Meatball Lover 08 Jan 2008, 16:31
By the way....thanks everyone for replying! Wow!
Meatball Lover 08 Jan 2008, 16:28
I was informed about a heated debate! Hi, I am Meatball Lover, lol, my
name is Emma. I guess I should give more info. My email to the Diva was
longer, but she trimmed it, I guess because it was too long. My boyfriend,
Max, is awesome. I am insanely in love with him, and he loves me. For two
years he has only been able to come over once in a while. I live by myself
with Meatball and he lives with a roomie. I pretty much just always go to
his place and that is how we have dealt with it. He has been over to my
place and it has always been disastrous. Three times he broke out in hives
all over his arms and legs. He itches like crazy and his eyes nearly swell
shut. The pain he goes through is unbearable, to even look at him when he
is suffering from an allergic reaction would break your heart. But he is
so kind. He never talks badly about my cat, or curses or says that he
won't ever come over. He never says a bad word about it, he just puts up
with the pain and smiles. Ah, girls, if you met him you would fall in love
with him. He is so very sweet, kind and loving. And he is not at all
controlling. He never has been, it is not his style. But now our
relationship has progressed and we are going to move in together. He
proposed this Christmas! It was the most wonderful proposal, I cried in
happiness for hours. He is the love of my life. But I do love my cat and
therein lies the problem. I can't get rid of my wonderful man.....but I
don't want to abandon my baby. Meatball is my baby. He wakes me up with
kisses every morning, he cuddles with me, he purrs whenever I hold him, he
always has to be with or near me. I am having a breakdown.
Anne 08 Jan 2008, 15:32
Daly, what makes you think that those of us who believe that the cat should
stay and the guy should go have never been in a committed relationship?
Where do you come up with that? I have been married for over 40 years. Is
that committed enough for you? And I agree with the majority here. You and
the Diva are wrong, wrong, wrong!This isn't even about the cat or
allergies. It is about a guy trying to exert control over a woman.
TL 08 Jan 2008, 15:28
I almost hate to say it, but I agree with Daly, and Diva. I have a cat and
I Looooooooove him, but the advice she gave was not wrong, not in the
slightest. She was the one who pointed out that her boyfriend needed to
try and make some compromises in the first place. And she is the one who
gave options to try and have him deal with it. But if the allergies are
too much, I mean, he SHOULD be put in front of the cat, no matter how much
you love him. Your future husband should be the priority. Seriously. I
don't think he is being unreasonable by demanding the cat should leave. He
feels sick around them, allergies are miserable. I have insanely bad
hayfever and it is hell for me, the itchy eyes, the runny nose, and nothing
works. I would just tell her, though, that if you must give him up (and
hopefully you don't), do not give him to any kind of shelter, unless it is
a no-kill. You should go to great lengths to find the best possible home.
Daly 08 Jan 2008, 15:22
Are you kidding Lynn? You think a person should give up another HUMAN on a
whim? NO! You can't. The Diva was right, without a doubt, and to include
the fact that her boyfriend should try and make concessions. The boyfriend
doesn't want to suffer with allergies, I don't blame him. I have severe
allergies and it is NOT healthy to live with them. Nothing helps my
allergies, I have taken everything in the book for them. If my significant
other would not let go of her cat for me, well...that would really suck
and hurt. YOU obviously have never had a truly committed relationship!
Lynn 08 Jan 2008, 13:36
Obviously Diva has never owned a pet. What stupid, stupid advice you have
given. If nothing else it perpetuates irresponsibility in some who have a
pet and think they can discard it on a whim. A relationship with a pet is
also a long term commitment too. Didn't you think it was strange that this
conversation didn't come up before now? It's been 2 years and if he didn't
have a problem before this then I suggest this reflects a control freak and
manipulator who is disguising his real character in the form of an allergy.
This young woman has a bigger problem on her hands then whether to keep the
cat.
My advice to her is R - U - N!!!!! You will regret it if you don't.
george 08 Jan 2008, 12:17
lovers come and go but a pet is forever. it sounds awfully selfish of the
boyfriend to demand a choice between him and the cat and 'meatball lover'
should see this as just the first of many demands put on her
Mindy 08 Jan 2008, 11:26
Do not give up the cat. This is not an issue of your boyfriend's
allergies. This is an issue of power and control. Asking you to give up
something you love so dearly is an indication that he does not care about
your feelings. If you give up this cat, you will end losing so much more.
Just the fact that he gave you an ultimatum is a clear indication of future
problems. If he is not willing to comprimise, he is not the guy for you.
Tell him to get zyrtec and be a real man, not a wimp.
Iolanthe 08 Jan 2008, 07:40
Sorry, Al Capone. I'm happily married for many many years, to a
once-upon-a-time cat hater who gave my cat a chance. He was allergic to
cats, too. So am I, but they make good medications for that.
There are lots worse things than being single. Being "together" with the wrong person, with a person who asks you to compromise your deepest values or betray a creature who loves you and depends on you, comes immediately to mind. And tossing your old friends and values on the trash heap for a Relationship is no guarantee that you won't be single anyway. Men come and go. As every woman who has ever dated in this culture knows, mostly they go. Tossing the cat for the guy is a bad trade, since there's a 50% chance -- even with marriage -- that she'll end up with neither of them. The new allergy medications are fantastic. Mr. Wonderful should try one of them.
Mary 08 Jan 2008, 07:30
As a now happily-married long-time veteran of Life with Guys, I'm telling
her:
A 2-year relationship with a guy is no big deal. A seven-year relationship with a cat IS a big deal. Stick to your guns, girl. Keep the cat. A man who really loves you will figure out a way to deal. The fact that he just laid down the law instead is a bad bad warning sign. As in a "run, don't walk" warning sign. If you ditch that poor cat, you'll be kicking yourself the rest of your life.
Al Capone 08 Jan 2008, 07:26
No way (--comments below--). Put a human over a cat. He has allergies!
Get over it. He probably didn't say anything until them because he didn't
have to, they didn't live together. But now that they are moving in
together, the cat has got to go. If you saps really think she should dump
her guy for a cat, my guess is that you are single and can't figure out
why. lol I have a cat too, and I adore her. but I am not stupid.
Anne VanDalinda 08 Jan 2008, 07:24
Get rid of the guy, keep the cat! This man has offered no compromise, just
an ultimatum. This does not bode well for the relationship. And how will
she feel in a year or so, when the man is long gone and so is Meatball? If
Meatball is really like her baby she would not even consider parting with
him.
If she caves to the ultimatum, she will never forget nor forgive. And when she matures, she will realize what an idiot she was.
Iolanthe 08 Jan 2008, 07:20
I know which Meatball she should give up, and it isn't the cat!
Men come and go -- and men who lay down ultimata like this seem to go faster. A pet will love you for its entire lifetime. A pet depends on you for its life. She will not be happy if she betrays her long-time best friend, sending him away to please a guy who can't even suggest a compromise. If Mr. Wonderful could date her for two years while she has a cat, his allergy isn't all that life-threatening. Why is it "unfair" to ask Mr. Wonderful to take a spritz of Flo-Vent up his nose each morning, but perfectly fair for Mr. Wonderful to tell *her* to get rid of a pet whom she loves? And as some have said, why is he mentioning this now, after two years? Sounds like the kind of "allergy" that is actually spelled "j-e-a-l-o-u-s-y." I've been with Controlling Bastards before. This kind of ultimatum-springing is one of the signs.
Brenda 07 Jan 2008, 18:05
My question is why did this topic with the cat come up before 2 years. If
he never mentioned this before then I think its unfair for him to say
something now after 2 years of courtship.
JF 07 Jan 2008, 16:01
The allergic reaction from cats actually comes from the cat's saliva not
its dander or fur.
Sunbeam 07 Jan 2008, 12:51
It is unhealthy for someone with allergies to live with a cat.
Barbara 07 Jan 2008, 11:36
LOL, If the boyfriend is deathly allergic to cats none of the
solutions you provided would work (I know because I'm that allergic). However, if the boyfriend has spent any extended time at the girlfriend's house, or stayed overnight and she has never had to resuscitate him, or take him to the ER -- then his allergies are not that bad. What I don't get is how they managed to avoid having this conversation a long time ago. My live-in boyfriend was thinking of getting a cat when I first met him, and I told him about the severity of my allergy so he didn't get one. (I even offered to buy him an overpriced Allerca cat if that would make him feel better) Fact is this all sounds much more like a control issue than an allergy issue. Two adults compromise. They don't fight like little brats.
Margaret 07 Jan 2008, 09:47
My take on the situation for what it's worth. I'm wondering why you didn't
address the fact that she had the animal when her and her boyfriend met and
then kept dating. So he knew she had a pet and didn't mention that he was
allergic? When the relationship got serious, yet another opportunity for
them to discuss the cat. Now suddenly, when he's going to move in, he's
allergic. Over this 2 yrs, you'd think this would have been a discussion
item by now.
I have been working with animal shelters and rescue groups for 10 yrs now and older animals do not do well in either environment. Especially when they have had only one owner. I hope for Meatball's sake, this turns out well, or he will just be another statistic on the Humane Society's website of animals that were euthanized this year. My advice and one I practice while searching for a new relationship. During the first 30 days of meeting, have the new man and pets meet and see how it goes. Eventually, it will come out whether or not your new man can tolerate your pets. After 8 months I know I found out. The more time that passes, the man can't keep the disguise up any longer and it will come out how he really feels about your pets. I know, because I got rid of a man after 8 months of him tolerating my pets. He knew from the moment I met him I had pets, but it turned out differently for us. Believe me, I got rid of the man and not my pets of 8 yrs. I have since met a man 5 months ago who has pets also. We still know our pets need to meet and get along and we'll cross that bridge when we are ready. You gave great suggestions for tolerance, however a month is not long enough to rid all of the dander in a house where a pet has lived for that many yrs. Like I said, I'm afraid Meatball is history, I only hope that it's not the beginning of that man springing more ultimatums on this woman with no backbone.
Tawny 07 Jan 2008, 09:09
The guy below me obviously didn't read "I would have to say that in all
seriousness you can?t really choose a pet over a human being and a possible
life-long companionship.". Her suggestion on things to do to try and
control dander was just an option to try and see how it worked out. Try
reading the whole column first dog lover!
Get A. Dog 07 Jan 2008, 09:04
As a cat owner, who is NOT a fanatic, and who also likes dogs, but never at
the same time, Advice Diva, you are oh, so, wrong. Keep the cat in one
room, off the bed, and la de dah?obviously, you know very little about the
typical cat. Allergies are nasty; the best treatment is to avoid the
allergen. Even if the dumb animal is just not liked, people have to have a
higher priority; although dumb animals seem to always know exactly what to
say.
My suggestion is to get a Shih Tzu. These dogs do not shed, are great in apartments, can self entertain with toys, and are great family and couple, dogs. Often the show dogs have as much hair as they do body, but you can give them ?normal? haircuts. Breeders are always virtually giving away neutered Shih Tzu?s. Too often in relationships, people compromise foolishly. Once I visited a friend and their big dog kept growling at me, while we were watching a football game. I asked that the dog be put outside or in the basement, my friend?s wife refused, the dog barked at me, and my place became the designated football game place. Many dog owners don?t understand how miserable a dog is when the owner isn?t the alpha dog. My salient point is that allergies are much worse and common sense must rule. This guy is NOT unreasonable. He isn?t drawing a line in the sand; his immune system is dictating his living conditions. He should keep his own place or bail from Meatball?s owner.
Leros 07 Jan 2008, 08:01
Hi!
One month is far from enough because cats go through shedding cycles. A year would be best but 6mos. is the shortest time I would go. Also, a cat is a best friend and should have more significance. If the cat is 5 years old then it only has another 10-12 years. In theory the boyfriend/husband will be around longer...unless he continues to make demands... Which is a bigger danger sign, in my oppinion, then advice diva give it credit.
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