Love is a Private Affair
by Diva Rebecca
Young men and women tend to fight settling down and remain single for much longer than days past. Many enter relationships which last a few months, perhaps a year, and then its time for more solitude and single life before entering the next relationship. Maybe its not necessarily because our morals and values concerning wedlock and family have changed, but because we no longer stick to the old dogmas that say we must settle down and begin a family as soon as possible. No, now we know that time is precious, and for an extra ten years or more after high school we take advantage of the time given to us to be selfish and wile away our youthful days as a single entity, only happy to take care of ourselves and spend time with our other singlet friends. These are the days that we cherish. These are the days that we will look back on fondly and have no regrets. And when we finally decide to settle down, after picking that one special woman or man, we won't feel that pang of guilt associated with not having had enough fun in our younger days, leaving the marriage or relationship free to blossom uninhibited.
But after we decide that settling down and becoming attached to that one special person, many of us have a hard time losing those singlehood type traits and addictions. One of the most important being the ability to tell your loved and most important friends EVERYTHING.
Young people get so used to living in the fast lane or the life of singlehood, that they have a difficult time getting adjusted to the new world of being involved in a serious relationship. When you are merely dating, it is common to talk to your friends and spill the beans about every little private and gory detail. This goes especially true and double for women. Whether it is the first date with a new man, the first kiss, the first passionate embrace or the first sexual encounter, what do we do? We pick up the phone the very next day and describe, in detail, every second of the encounter to our best friends. We all are guilty and we all do it! To have a group of friends which enable you to vent, celebrate, mourn and gather opinions is a wonderful thing to have. One can not live without friendships. They are one of the more important aspects of life.
However, once you are in a serious relationship, this is one of those wonderful habits which must be squashed. Some of you may wonder why? Why shouldn't you have a few special people, or at least one, that that you can tell everything to? Actually, you should. And that person should be your beloved, not your friends. Now that you have decided to be in that serious relationship, it becomes very, very important to keep all matters concerning your relationship between you and your mate.
One reason is simply for respect. Eventually you and your lover will develop the deepest bond. You will share things about yourselves which you assume will be kept completely confidential. It is not quite fair if you are expecting your lover to keep certain things between you two while you are turning around and opening the can of worms with all of your friends in an open discussion forum. You need to respect your unity and the privacy of your lover.
Another reason is because eventually you will encounter a few lover's quarrels. It is in our common nature to seek out friends and discuss with them our private relationship spats to gain approval from them. We want to feel justified that we are the ones in the right, and our lover is the one making the monumental mistake. You may feel better for a few minutes when you do this, but all hell could break loose at any time. First of all, your friends are hearing a very one-sided section of the story. Your friends are also biased, of course they are going to support you. And then what happens next? You may inadvertently tell your lover that all of your friends agree with you. Busted. Your mate now knows that you have been airing his or her own dirty laundry for others to see. It is not fair to your mate and it will only make matters worse. This will inevitably lead to distrust, and a lack of trust is the downfall of every relationship.
Whatever happens in your relationship with you and your lover should stay between you and your mate. As always, there are exceptions to every rule. If you are in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship, you need to seek help elsewhere and from family and friends. Or, if you just have a problem that has been festering for far too long, sometimes it is okay to seek help from friends, as long as you urge them to keep it confidential. But in a basic run of the mill sense, your everyday relationship issues and woes should be worked out between you and your beloved, not you and the whole world. If you have a hard time remembering this rule of thumb, try the old adage, "Only repeat kind words". Meaning, only divulge information that is positive. If your lover brings you flowers, tell everyone! If your lover forgot your birthday, there is no need to make everyone feels sorry for you. All of your friends will simply regard your lover as a jerk, and that is not the way you want people to regard your relationship.
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