Dear Diva Rebecca,

Last week I went out with the girls clubbing. I caught my best friend’s long time boyfriend completely making out with another woman. He saw me, I saw him, it was terrible. My best friend wasn’t with us and no one else knows. My other friends did not see and I have not said a thing. I have just kept my mouth shut. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I should tell her, she is my best friend. But I don’t want to be the one who hurts her. That, and the fact that it is so close to Christmas.

Sincerely,

Caught In The Middle,
Salem, Orgeon

Dear Caught In The Middle,

I don’t envy your position. Under normal circumstances, the general rule of thumb is to stay the hell out of it. You don’t want to be in the middle of that drama. But as you have stated, these are not normal conditions as the situation pertains to your best friend.

As her best friend, it is your duty to tell her. If you are that close, you should be able to tell each other everything, share secrets and protect one another from harm. Although it seems like you would be hurting her rather than protecting her, as you stated above, you are not the one who has hurt her, he has. You are just the messenger.

If he is cheating on her, he will do it again and again. He could be having a serious affair. Eventually, whether you tell her or not, she will find out. She might even find out that you knew about it. In a heated argument, her boyfriend might let it slip that you caught him and said nothing, just to hurt her. And that would hurt. No one would blame you for not saying anything, but you really should.

The best way to let her know would be face to face. Tell her that you need to talk to her, it is very important and arrange to talk at a very private location (not at a bar or restaurant). Before you tell her, first I want you to tell her that she is your best friend, you love her and would do anything for her. Then ask her if she would do anything for you. She will say, "Yes, of course!" and she will think the conversation is going to be about you. Then I want you to ask her, "If you caught my boyfriend cheating on me, would you tell me?" She will instinctively say yes. Tell her that this is good, because you would want her to tell you. Then, very carefully, ask her if she would want you to do the same for her. I say "very carefully" because she might begin to know where this is going. When she says yes, tell her the truth.

You could choose to wait until after Christmas. The effect is going to be the same. If she asks you why you didn’t tell her earlier, just be honest. You didn’t want to hurt her so close to the holidays, you were afraid, you love her too much to see her in pain. In makes sense and it is not a lie or a cop out. It is just the truth.

Other factors can really determine if you should say anything or not, such as if children are involved or not. I think if they were married and had children, the best thing to do would be to address the subject with the guy. As her best friend you need to know what is going on. Was it just a mistake? A fling? A freaking dare? Or is this an ongoing affair? Will it happen again, etc. Scare the cheating heart crap right out of him. Tell him that if ever happens again you will tell your best friend. And if he is rich, there is always bribery. Just kidding.

It didn’t sound like they had children in your message. It sounded like they were boyfriend and girlfriend. And in that case, as I said above, and on the GIRLFRIEND'S CODE OF HONOR, you should tell her.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca