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Dear Diva Rebecca,
My girlfriend and I have only been together for a year and I have known her for eight years. We have a normal relationship with normal problems, the biggest one is the subject matter. When we talk, and we often do, our conversations always revolve around her ex-boyfriend. She constantly details their relationship and what went wrong with them. For the last 7 months this is all we talk about! What do I do? I've stated that I would rather talk about something else, anything else. When that happens, I'm selfish and I don't care about her feelings. Do I give in or stick to my guns?
Dear Bleeding Ears,
It sounds to me like you have a problem. She is obviously not over this man. Why else would her ex be consuming all of her thoughts and her topics of conversations? The ex is constantly on her mind and she is merely vocalizing it.
One scenario could be the fact that since you have known each other for so long (8 years as you stated) she feels a little too comfortable talking to you about anything. It is a well known fact that women like to talk. Our favorite topics of conversation are (in any given order) ourselves, our boyfriends, our ex-boyfriends and shoes. Because she has known you for so long she is treating you like she would a good girlfriend.
However, I highly doubt this scenario and I will tell you why. You said that you have some arguments about it already. I am sure that there have been a few times when you asked her to please stop talking about HIM. Normally one would immediately recognize this behavioral faux pas, once faced with its recognition, and stop. She should be conscious of it every time the subject flies out of her mouth because of the way she made you feel. At least, I most certainly would be. The fact that she is ignoring your pleas and continuing with her ramblings is an obvious testament to where her heart is.
And may I mention how rude this is to begin with? One thing women should never ever do is repeatedly bring up her past to her current boyfriend! This is a major relationship no-no. How tacky. If my man was insipidly talking about his ex all of the time I would eventually end up hitting him over the head with my stiletto. I actually dated a guy once that always mentioned all of the hot women he had dated who were supermodels and playmates. He even told me that I could find one of them on the Maxim calendar as a particular month if I were so inclined. He thought it made him look cool and desirable but I could only laugh in his vain face.
You have every right to put your foot down on the subject. If she really cares for you, this should be an easy indulgence to curb. I would honestly tell her that you do not want her to mention him again at all. And if she has a problem with this then tell her you want to take a break. You should not have to remain with a person who is so careless with your feelings. There are women out there who know how to treat a man. Be firm with your decision if you do decide to step back and let her think about the problem. Chances are she will realize who is more important and she will make the appropriate chances. Her train of thought should change and you will reap the benefits. Hopefully they will be in the form of a thousand apologies and some good make-up sex.
I might add that it might not be him who she is not over. She just might not be over the hurt and pain he caused her, if he did so at all. When someone gets emotionally hurt, the wound can take a long time to heal. One of the best ways to get over that hurt is by talking about it. Still, she should know better than to talk to you about it. This is a subject for the girls, not for the lover.
Not everyone will agree with me, everyone has their own opinion.|
What would your advice be?
Be respectful and courteous. Rude remarks and slander of any kind will be removed.